Who Gets the Kids at Christmas: A Separated Parent’s Guide to Fair Festive Arrangements
By Siobhan Vegh, a Partner at Stowe Family Law
Social media, movies and festive music tells us year-on-year that Christmas should be a magical time spent with loved ones. The visuals of snow-covered houses, sparkling lights and mounds of presents under the tree can be a lot at the best of times. But when you’ve gone through divorce or separation and you’re, often, just trying to get you and your children from one day to the next, the vision of the ‘perfect Christmas’ can be entirely overwhelming.
For divorced or separated parents, Christmas can be that time of year where the nerves start to ramp up and tensions get harder to ignore. One of the biggest questions divorce lawyers get from parents, even as early as February and March, is “Who gets the kids at Christmas?”.
Splitting Christmas ‘legally’
When making child arrangements for post-separation, family lawyers will encourage parents to keep the long-term in mind. These plans are not just for the logistical, week-on-week nursery runs, but for the key moments in the year like Christmas where normal service might need to alter.
You might find it’s best to stick to your usual routine, especially for young children who can get upset by a shift. However, as parents, you will know your child best. Your priority should be their welfare.
If you cannot agree matters between yourselves, a non-court dispute resolution like mediation is a great way of reaching a compromise with the help of a professional third party. In some cases, where parents still cannot agree on overall child arrangements, or argue specifically about issues like Christmas, the Family Court may need to step in. The paramount concern of the court is the child’s welfare. Decisions made will be based on what is in their best interests, and that may well be to stick to a regular routine.
Make a list, a check it twice – the importance of planning
The most important thing to do is to plan well in advance. If this is your first Christmas post-separation, it can be really difficult to navigate any kind of complex legal proceedings at this stage. Planning early, even as early as right now, for the following Christmas, means you’ve got time and headspace to understand what needs to happen.
It also gives you time to involve the children in that conversation. This will depend on their age and level of understanding. For toddlers, this might not be appropriate as they may not be able to properly express their feelings. However, if you also have older children, their wishes can be worked into arrangements.
Christmas comes around far quicker than we realise, and leaving your arrangements to the last minute can result in more stress and potential disputes.
Navigating your first Christmas alone
If this is your first Christmas without the children, or perhaps you’re splitting down the middle with your ex-partner and you won’t get to wake up with the (pre) sunrise and the excitement of children, you might be feeling lost.
It’s absolutely normal to feel low. Even parents who are on their 3rd, 4th or 10th year navigating the festive season still feel adrift.
Think of this as an opportunity to make new traditions for yourself, and do the things you couldn’t have done with your children or your ex-partner. Could you spend the morning doing some self-care activities, like having a long lie in and a cosy breakfast in bed? Or see if a loved one can meet up for a walk or a festive catch up.
If you have a few days without the children, could you look at exploring a new city, going on a solo trip or simply spending time resting and catching up with yourself?
Reframing is the word of the day. The 25th December is Christmas Day, but it doesn’t have to be. You make it what you and your children need at whatever stage of your journey you are at.