What's Going On In There?
Using Curiosity to Understand and Support Your Toddler, by Bryana Kappadakunnel, LMFT
As a therapist who specialises in early childhood mental health - and as a mother myself - I’ve seen firsthand how powerful it is when parents shift from reacting to their toddler’s behaviour to getting curious about it.
Curiosity is one of the six Seeds of Connection in what I call the Connection Garden - a concept I developed to help parents build emotionally safe, responsive relationships with their children. When seeds like attunement, playfulness, and repair are planted and nurtured consistently, the parent-child relationship grows stronger and more joyful.
But when connection is missing, or only offered conditionally, we end up in what I call the Connection Desert. It’s a place where children feel misunderstood and emotionally thirsty - and parents feel isolated, burned out, and unsure how to move forward. Fortunately, we can always begin to plant new seeds - and Curiosity is one of the most transformative.
What Curiosity Really Means
Many of us were raised to believe that discipline means control. That a toddler’s tantrum needs to be “fixed,” or that whining should be ignored until it stops. But when we get curious instead and ask, “What’s going on in there?”, we begin to understand that behaviour is communication.
Toddlers don’t have the language or brain development to say, “I’m overtired, overstimulated, and I miss you.” So they cry, hit, throw, or resist. When we respond with curiosity instead of control, we teach them that it’s safe to have big feelings - and we start to build lifelong skills for emotional health and relational trust.
The Power of Observation
One of the simplest, yet most profound, ways to cultivate curiosity in your relationship with your toddler is through observing them do what they do best: play. When you’re just getting started with child observation, I recommend you make an effort to practice this intentionally for about 5-10 minutes a day. Eventually, this will become a natural part of your relationship with your toddler.
Here’s how it works:
Set up the play environment so that it is totally safe for your toddler. Creating a “Yes” space where everything is safe (including toys, things to climb, etc) encourages your toddler to discover their own interests and get lost in the magic of play. At the same time, it will help you to resist the urge to hover, intervene, or take charge of their play process.
Pull up a chair nearby, settle into your body, and simply notice your breath and any sensations that arise. See if you can observe yourself with the same curiosity you offer your child.
Once you feel settled, start to notice what your child is doing with their hands and where their eyes are looking. Following their hands and eyes allows you to become more connected to what their brain is curious about. Resist the urge to fix anything. If you see your toddler frustrated with stacking some blocks, you may feel it would be useful to offer your help. By doing so, you’re undermining your child’s intense drive toward mastery and competence. Instead, be curious with your toddler: “I wonder if that feels tough…I see you’re not giving up.” By resisting the urge to fix, control, change, or provide educational directives (e.g., “What colour is this?”) while they play, you send the vital messages: I trust that you are competent. I’m curious about how you see things. I’m invested in knowing more about you.
Beware the “Monkey Mind.” It’s normal for your mind to wander - it might even feel boring to watch your toddler play. You don’t have to love it. Just notice, and gently return your focus to what your child is doing. That’s curiosity in action. The more you wonder about what they’re doing and why it feels important to them, the more lush and vibrant your Connection Garden becomes.
In my experience with leading parents in observation exercises, many parents notice that they judge their children unintentionally: “Why doesn’t my child behave like other kids?”Try to shift from judgement into wondering at what They are experiencing. That curiosity may help you see their behaviour not as a problem to correct, but as a strength to nurture.
Why Observation Supports Independent Play
One of the beautiful benefits of using child observation consistently is that it nurtures your toddler’s ability to engage in independent, imaginative play.
Your willingness to be more curious about their
inner world, while resisting the urge to control, fix, or change it, will support your toddler with:
* Playing without constant adult involvement
* Developing longer attention span
* Resolving sibling conflicts with less need for intervention
Additionally, you’ll be less likely to seek screens as a virtual babysitter for your child, because your toddler will become a master at directing their own interests and commanding their physical space with confidence and courage.
Observation isn’t passive - it’s deeply relational. By watching and narrating without controlling, we say, “I’m interested in you. I delight in who you are.” This kind of non-intrusive attention is both grounding and expansive for the developing toddler’s mind.
How Curiosity Looks in the Hardest Moments
Here are some phrases you can try next time your toddler is having a moment that feels hard to manage:
* When your child is hitting: “You wanted that toy, and it was really hard to wait. I’m here to help.”
* In the middle of a transition: “You weren’t ready to leave. I get it - it’s hard to stop playing when you’re having fun.”
* When siblings are fighting: “You both wanted the same thing. Let’s take a breath and figure this out together.”
What Gets in the Way of Curiosity?
Many parents tell me: “I know I shouldn’t yell, but in the moment, I just lose it.”
It makes perfect sense. If you were raised in a Connection Desert - where your own feelings were shamed, ignored, or punished - then of course it’s hard to stay present with your child’s big feelings. Your nervous system might interpret their distress as a threat.
That’s why we must extend the same curiosity to ourselves that we do to our children. When we get dysregulated, instead of judging ourselves, we can ask, “What is this moment trying to teach me about what I need?”
This is the deep, healing work that I talk about in my book, Parent Yourself First.
Curiosity Is Connection
Your curiosity helps your toddler feel safe, seen, and supported. You tell them that they are not a problem to be fixed - but a person to be understood.
I know how easy it is to default to frustration, especially when you’re exhausted or touched out. But if there’s one thing I hope you take away from this, it’s that curiosity is always available to you.
Bryanna Kappadakunnel is the founder of Conscious Mommy and author of Parent Yourself First, Bryana empowers parents to parent with heart and intention. Through her courses, coaching, and expert resources, she helps parents heal past wounds, fostering compassion, clarity, and confidence in raising their children.